Depression/Anxiety

I suffer from anxiety and I believe I'm beginning to suffer from depression as well. I dont know what my body is doing, I dont understand what's going on and it's bothering me. Not knowing is causing me anxiety and my anxiety causes me to feel depressed due to everything I've missed out on during my life because of my struggles.

I just want to be fixed. Nothing wrong anymore. No more not doing something because I always think of the consiquences. No more stopping my siblings from living their own lives because Im scared they'll get hurt. Im 18 and Im only now realising how fucked up I am... It sucks, because I feel like I wasted my childhood on worrying, and now it's gone forever. I need to make up for it... I'll figure it out.

I have a therapist now, finally. He's really nice and I'm positive he'll help me on my road to recovery. We only had one session so far and he already knows about my abandoment/rejection issues, my need to care and protect people though Im the child and victim in the situation.

I felt like I grew up too fast because of it... I never had the chance to not panic and it bothers me a lot. I was never "care free" or a "dare devil" child. I physically cant even go a day without appologizing for something I shouldnt be sorry for. Im just so scared of being alone, I'll do anything to please people...

Anyway, I'll be on here more cause my therapist wants me to keep a journal and I dont have a book for that yet. Later.

LIME OUT~

Once Upon a Time

There was a girl who sat in a kitchen with her two cousins. I don't know where i was going with that I just felt the need to type about something. Gag I don't know why I'm even typing, honestly it was just to do something to keep myself occupied. I'll probably do this when my aunts friends come over and I go into the basement to hang out. Maybe I could write a short story... I guess that'd be cool. I mean, why wouldnt it be cool? I've always wanted to write but I never thought my stories were good enough. I really wish I hadn't left my moniter at home, but I did. UGH I want to just keep typing and typing. It sucks because I dont even have a subject to talk about. I'm actually boring myself with typing. I really kind of hope no one reads this just because it's pure nonesense. Not even nonesense, it's just... bleh. These words are just symbols on my page in my world of bordem.
Honestly listening to these two debate is really funny. The 15 year old is trying to over power the 22 year old in basically general knowledge. I'm learning a lot and laughing~ Well ok I'm laughing on the inside. The 15 year old is honestly trying to out smart the 22 year old without any intellectual background on the information she's trying to go with or against. I'm not sure if this is making any sense, but I'm not at the point of caring anymore. I feel weird. But I'm good. Yay~
Actually I feel like I sound like I'm high or something. I'm actually laughing. Well not really but on the inside. Anyways I think I'm going to get off now cause I don't have anything else to say. Night guys~ :)

Attention

Attention, I crave it. I will tease and call myself an "attention whore" to my friends and family. When I'm out, if theres someone that doesnt like me or I want to notice me, I'll get all hyper until they say something, or atleast until I know they're looking at me. I hate it. I hate that I feel the need for attention. I hate craving attention, it's literally a craving. People call me annoying, I just pretend to not hear it or not care, I mean I'm used to it; but knowing that I need that attention is what bothers me.
Sometimes, I wonder if I have a seperate personality. I feel like there are two distinct personalities in me. I know they're me, it's not like someone takes over or they have a seperate name, it's just that it's like there are two extremes. One side is the one i'm in most, I crave attention, I do almost anything to get it. The other side is shy, quiet, and I want to, not be left alone, but not be noticed by anyone who doesnt have a reason to notice me. If that made any sense.
Anyways, that;s all for now bloggers, LIME out~

Means "I love you" in sign language

Losing Weight

Most people, when I talk to them about losing weight, are either doing crazy things to lose that weight or are getting surgery. The only people I know that are doing something that's working are my parents. All they're doing is counting how many calories they intake along with howmany they're supposed to have in a day. Now, I tried this diet, and I was really proud of myself because I felt like i could do it, right? Well out of no where all my friends start saying "counting calories is bad" "You dont need to lose weight" blah blah blah. Ok, I know they're worried but come ON! I talked to my f*cking DOCTOR for crying out loud! He said I should try and lose the weight in a span of 2 years cause I'm not in a HUGE danger zone. Yeah I'm kind of there but not enough that it's anything to worry about.
So ya that was bothering me. And I ended up being so hungry at the end of the day when I had counted up all my calories I complained to my mom and she said "It's not worth being hungry" So I decided to stop the calorie thing and instead I'm eating less junk food, and drinking water in school instead of pop like I usually would. And I havent checked if it's working yet but easter just passed so I dont think I'll check JUST yet.
Something interested me though, my friend Yvonne is going on this "all smoothies" diet thing and so is her family... isnt that kind of like, unhealthy to be only drinking smoothies for breakfast lunch and dinner? I dunno. I mean it seems like it could be? But I'm not one to judge on how someone chooses to lose weight unless it can harm them, like throwing up on purpose or just not eating.


So i say, i love junk food but i'll just have less portions~


Thats all for today Bloggers, I'll talk to you later! LIME out~

Annoying People

You know those people that are in your class, or workplace and just get on your nerves? Even if they dont DO anything; their pressence is just annoying you? Why are these people like that? Do they purposely mean to be so annoying or is it just who they are?
And before I get any "haters" (though I know I'll get some eventually) I'm not talking about people that have something mentally or physically wrong with them. I'm talking about full blown, annoying people that annoy others.
Anyway back to my point. There's this guy I know, lets call him Tyler. So Tyler is someone that needs everyones approval. At first I felt bad for this kid, I mean obviously he doesnt have ANY self esteem. But then I started noticing something. He talks ALL the time about "Everyone says I'm so good at so and so but I think I suck" or "Why did you get better then me?! ... No offense but I did better" >_> Ya he's like that. He needs everything to be PERFECT and if it's not then he gets pissed at everyone else, or just insults everyone around them or himself so someone will say he's great at something.
So today, we were working on a really LONG project (2 weeks to be exact) and he tells me, last minute, "I hate what I did, so I'm going to re-do it" ...it's due tomorrow. Does anyone else find this stupid? He wants it to be perfect. he's already getting an amazing grade, he doesnt need to make everything perfect.

And it's not even that, it's that he always complains to me when he gets a great mark, or if I get better then him he wonders why. What about MY feelings? Though he doesnt know, or CARE that it pisses me off. I wish I could tell him to just stop talking but it wont happen~ Sadly I care about peoples feelings and he isnt afraid to beat up anyone that pisses him off.

Well thats all for today Bloggers, I'll talk to you later~ LIME out.